As I craft this, my debut blog post, I can feel it across my chest. A tightness. The voices are squeezing my heart, hoping I’ll feel so uncomfortable that I won’t find the courage to press the blue publish button.
Tight. Tighter. STOP. Who do you think you are? You don’t have all the answers. You don’t have anything worthwhile to contribute here . . . I’ve been here before. As a little girl, sitting in my classroom, still as can be, staring intently at the books on my desk, hoping, praying the teacher wouldn’t call on me to answer, to speak out.
Tight. Tighter. STOP. You’re an accountant. You are not a writer. You are not a photographer . . . I’ve been here before. The time I enrolled in a children’s book writing class, to quit after only one, maybe two, classes, because I am not creative enough for such endeavours.
Tight. Tighter. STOP. You don’t know exactly what you want to say and you definitely don’t know everything about hosting, platforms, themes, plugins, fonts, designs . . . I’ve been here before. Overwhelmed. Giving up on projects after agonizing endlessly over the details. Like the kitchen left only partially painted, baseboards torn out, for what, five years now.
Tight. Tighter. STOP. People will discover that you aren’t perfect . . . I’ve been here before. Struggling in my role as a new mother. Sleep deprived. Struggling with my son’s pain and resulting daily rages, school refusal and more. Lost and confused. Unable to ask for help because people would find out I’m not a good mom.
Tight. Tighter. STOP. Who do you think you are? You can’t do this . . . I’ve been here before. Too many times, and clearly, it’s a pattern. I STOP. Hold my heart tight. Become quiet. Become invisible. Lose myself.
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~ Anais Nin
Enough is enough. Today is the day. Today, I break the pattern and I do not stop. Today I honour my heart, my voice, my true self. Tight. Tightest. Publish.
long ago hidden
s l o w l y emerging
~ a haiku by ME