[Joining Bella Cirovic at 52 Photos Project - Week 10: Release]
Stuff. Too much stuff. I feel backed into a corner by it. Weighed down by it. The piles of papers. The clutter. The stuff shoved into a closet. It feels noisy, chaotic. My house does not feel like a home. It does nothing to serve my sense of what is aesthetic. Nor my tendency toward minimalistic style. My belief that less is more.
I have struggled with where to put all the stuff. I have struggled to properly express my feelings about all the stuff. Anger. That my attempts over the years to release some of the stuff have been met with much resistance. Exhausted. By the futility of shifting it around, trying to make it all fit, when it just Does. Not. Fit. Resentment. That I am left to do my work at the kitchen table, forever setting it up and putting it away. That no corner of my house offers a sense of retreat, for a moment of calm, a moment of quiet. That I do not have an inspiring space in which to create. That I have been lost somewhere in all of this stuff, when for the most part, it is not even mine. Fear. That I will never feel at home in my own house.
Exhausted and lost, I realize now that I gave up. Numbed myself to it all. But recently, by ”Exploring the Senses” with Susannah Conway, I opened my eyes again. I do not like what I saw. The clutter has just grown, the dust has gathered. And the anger, resentment and fear. Well they are still with me. For this, I am not proud.
I realized that to create a sense of me in this house I must face the stuff and the mess of feelings that go along with it. So, we opened up the discussion again. As a family, we have started the process of releasing some stuff, creating some space, making a home.
Winter tires, stored over 8 years, listed on craigslist, gone within 3 hours.
Tools, not used in decades, rusty and broken, tossed in the garbage.
Books, a pile for the used bookstore or recycling, growing larger.
Clothes, too small or not worn in recent history, destined for the goodwill.
Lego, thousands of pieces, even the tiny mini-figure hands, sorted to baskets.
Somehow, this time it all feels different. Perhaps others are ready to let go. Perhaps I have expressed myself more from the heart instead of from a place of anger and resentment. I’m not sure. But instead of feeling futile and overwhelmed, I feel lighter. My mind is clearer. There is still much to work through, but I feel a real opportunity to create a simple, harmonious space. A home that reflects all of us.
Out of clutter, find Simplicity. From discord, find Harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies Opportunity. ~ Albert Einstein